Ayesha Recommends: 32 Years Of Lessons.
32 Years Of Lessons (please, no more lessons. I'm tired)
It was my birthday on May 23rd and last year I wrote a post on crying, familiarity and clarity but this year as I turn a somewhat wise 32 years, I surprisingly didn’t want to cry all day (because I already cried a bunch last week), but instead spent the last few days reflecting on valuable lessons I’ve learned.
And I’m in a generous mood, so, I’m gifting them to you. Here’s hoping you don’t have to always learn things the hard way.
32 Lessons I Learned In 32 years:
Decision making. Don’t worry about making the right decision, instead, make the decision right.
Agar agar disintegrates when it freezes. Last summer, I made strawberry rhubarb and elderflower apple jelly cubes for an event, but it was an abnormally hot summer day in London. I had a 50 minute journey, so figured I’d pop the jelly cubes into the freezer so by the time I get to the venue, they wouldn’t be a sticky mess. Simple, right? WRONG. I made these jellies with agar agar since it gives a firmer texture over gelatin (plus it’s vegan), but little did I know that agar agar sets best at room temperature and freezing temperatures actually breaks the molecular bond between the liquids and to my horror, my jellies. I was mortified. And it’s taken me a year to get over. So… don’t freeze agar agar jelly.
Men (or women). Yes, there is truth in “if they wanted to, they would.” But, if they wanted to and they didn’t - that’s not on you, babe. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Don’t try to “fix” them. That’s their own responsibility. Truly trulyyyy focus on your self growth and love you receive from family and friends. Work through insecurities so that when you do meet someone (and you will!), you’ll know your head is in the right place. There is no rush.
Fame. Just because you’re not on a magazine cover or “recognized”, doesn’t mean your work is less important or worthy. A lot times people aren’t featured because their work is exemplary, it’s because they know someone who can write about them. It' really is not what you know, but who you know. Optics and recognition are ego driven. The work still exists regardless.
Be uncomfortable. It’s hard to grow in your comfort zone. Be comfortable being uncomfortable. Do things you dislike. Try something new. I would’ve never picked up hobbies I love if I didn’t try everything under the sun and sucked. Being a beginner is so exciting - our brains love and need a challenge.
Therapy is useful, but the right kind. Being self aware of your faults and progress is essential for growth. One lesson I learned recently on how to communicate effectively with a difficult topic: understand what type of conversation it is. Is it practical, emotional or social? Ask this to who you’re speaking with. Frame the conversation as “I feel” or “the story in my head” instead of using “you” to refrain from blaming. Take pauses. Most importantly, LISTEN.
Skincare. Sunscreen, a good moisturizer and retinol are absolute staples. The ten step routine is overkill and can cause damage. See more on my skincare post.
Do not suffer from imagined troubles. Overthinking has rarely ever been productive for me. Just maddening. As a chronic over thinker, it’s hard to turn my brain off but I do love the concept of “no thoughts, just vibes” because sometimes thoughts just kill the vibe. When I go in a spiral, I make myself workout as a distraction. It works wonderfully!
Seat at the table. I don’t need a seat at someones else’s table when I’ve learned how to build my own.
Feminism does not mean you hate men. That’s man hating, and go for it, but don’t confuse the two. I am a feminist, but not a man hater. I love many men in my life and grateful for them, but I make them aware of the privileges they have over me. And I understand I need and want them as my ally. It doesn’t make me weak. There are a lot of good men in this world and sometimes we do need to guide them to understand us.
Working on your goals is lonely. Accept it - it’s not fun or easy. When you do meet people that you align or can soundboard with, keep them around.
Elders. Make time to talk to elders. Not just your family, but the grocery store clerk, your neighbor, or the person sitting next to you on the plane. Their stories are treasures filled with wisdom and experiences that can provide valuable insights and perspectives on life. They have lived through different eras, witnessed historical events, and have a wealth of knowledge. Also, many are lonely.
Moving back home. There is absolutely nothing wrong with moving back in with your family (if they’re not toxic). The stigma is so stupid. It’s not a failure. I spent a decade living independently before moving back home during the pandemic. Save that rent money, spend time with your parents. Many have lost their family members early in life and would do anything to have that time back.
It’s not your fault, but it is your responsibility. You have to do something about your problems. Happiness comes from solving your problems, not getting rid of them. We all have problems. Let the negative emotions be felt. Think: How am I going to react to this situation? What do I do to make it meaningful? How can I move beyond it? Responsibility is admitting you can make a different choice the next time.
Change is inevitable. Death is the only thing certain in this life. I’d be concerned if I stayed stagnant, as a person and where I am. That’s why I try peaches every year (I hate peaches). Maybe 2025 Ayesha will like them.
Marriage is beautiful, but so is being single. Enjoy each on their own time and don’t waste it wishing for the other. The grass is always greener on the other side. The amount of times I’ve heard “It doesn’t make sense that you’re single” is funny. If I am, or not, it never has, and never will, be defining of my worth. Or really anyone’s business.
Heartbreak. It’s inevitable. But not just romantic relationships. Friendship breakups suck, but can be (and usually are) for the better. If it happens, allow it.
Mentors. I’ve struggled with finding mentors in my fields. But a mentor does not need to be a person. It can be a book, a place, it can be a conversation. You can mentor yourself - it is harder, and takes time, but we live in a time where resources are readily available if we seek them.
If you never ask, you’ll never know. Just ask. I stopped being embarrassed. Hearing “No” is fine - rejection is redirection! A current “No” may just mean “not yet, there’s better.”
The time is never right / the time is always wrong. Essentially, don’t think you have missed the boat or plan for something. Do it now, do it later, just get it done.
Religion. Practice your religion for yourself and God. Never for others.
You can’t fit a square peg in a round hole. You don’t have to force something to work. If you don’t fit in, you don’t. Move to a new city (or country), make new friends, change your career multiple times. There’s no one size fits all, but forcing yourself to be something you’re not is a waste of your time.
Financial literacy. It’s not fun, but learn it. Nothing cool about maxing a credit card or being broke. Especially if you’re in your 30’s and haven’t had proper reason to go in unnecessary debt, don’t do it.
Health. Age is a privilege. Not everyone gets to grow old. Go to your doctors appointments! It’s not selfish to be healthy, your loved ones want you to be well. Especially as a woman, we’re often told we’re okay when we’re not.
Comparison. It can be the thief of joy, but also a motivation factor. Comparing yourself to someone who has achieved something you’d like can be productive, but don’t aim to be them. Look at their journey to see what you can learn from them.
Sometimes you’re not the victim, you are the villain. I mean... Israel should get an award for this.
Trust your gut, but take probiotics.
Have a diverse friend group. Not just race, but age. Befriend people that are not like you so you can learn to see the world through other people’s eyes.
How are you gonna hate on someone if you haven’t even done anything or don’t know them? Majority of the time this comes from a deeper rooted insecurity. Hate if you have beef in the game, but if you’re a bystander, think critically before you speak. Or just don’t speak. Everyone has faults, but insulting others with no proper reasoning is so lame. Especially when it’s something ridiculous, like when I posted a video on TikTok about my mixed races and random people argued with me that I’m pretending to be something I’m not. Thanks for the engagement, I guess.
Don’t feed your ego, but hold your pride. If you have something to say, say it with your chest.
Being constantly busy and working is not an achievement. This whole “slow life movement” is wild because that’s just normal living but capitalism has f*cked up our perspective of what is normal. We’re wired nowadays to think being busy = your worth. I’ve had to unlearn this myself and I still struggle with it, but I love responding to a “what are you up to?” with “nothing :)”.
Make the move. Whether it’s as big as a relationship, career, city, or something you build up to like 10 minutes of a new hobby a day - make moves. It will be difficult and lonely at times, but letting yourself remain stagnant when you know it’s holding you back is not doing you any favors.
If you have a valuable (or entertaining) lesson you want to share, feel free to comment below! I’d love to hear them.
Try something new. Stay curious. Practice humility. Be brave.
love,
Ayesha :)
❤️
Thank you Ayesha for taking out time and sharing your thoughts, really enjoyed reading the whole blog and for me 2 points really stand out - point 5 and 12 .
Be comfortable being uncomfortable - Learning starts here
Talk to elders - grocery , neighbour etc - This is so true , for some bizarre reason we have labelled wisdom to big geeks but it’s the other way around. Ordinary lay man at times teach us the lessons of a lifetime. There’s this book by famous Pakistani author “Man Challay Ka Sauda” where he covers a transformative journey of man covered by enlighten discussions he had with postman, labour, gardener , farmer etc. if you have time do check that, full of wonderful lessons.
Happy belated birthday , keep up the good work. I have been following your work for sometime and really admire you taking a stand and being vocal. More power to you.