Ayesha Recommends: Crying On Your Birthday, Clarity & Familiarity
It’s my birthday and I’ll cry if I want to.
It’s inevitable for me to cry on my birthday. April showers brings May flowers, but it also brings about unsettled feelings I think I can escape by bouncing to other countries. Last year, my poor mother had to deal with me sobbing my way through İstanbul when I turned 30… If you can’t tell, I’m not a big birthday gal.
The tears came a day early as I melted into the last pose of a flow in a morning yoga class in Bali. Nuvole Bianche, a piano piece my brother plays often, closed out the class and when I heard the familiar melody I instantly welled up. Now, my brother is (thankfully) alive and well, but that’s the thing with triggers - you don’t know when something will strike a chord. And Mr. Einaudi’s masterpiece struck whatever it was that alerted my brain to open up the tear duct dam.
Birthday tears; they’re not really sad ones. They’re not happy or frustrated or painful ones either. They’re just tears. They’ll come and they’ll go. They bring relief and some embarrassment. Years ago, I would’ve suppressed every tear trying to make its way out. There’s no way I’d cry about something so silly - and in a public place? Never. Never ever. Crying is weakness.
Crying is natural. It’s the first thing we do when we’re born - to inhale in life. Holding on to that level of self preservation and false protection was in turn holding on to fears, worries, the unknown, the unspoken. And this affected the way I carried myself. Tense and rigid. But, for every action, as Newton stated, there is an equal and opposite reaction. And that reaction has found its way out in the form of tears.
My friend Hanan welcomed my 31st with me and asked me 3 themes I’ve learnt this last year:
Clarity. Functioning in a state of “maybe” and “what ifs” is my own personal hell. When not given direction, I need to be the one taking the reigns. Ask or make a decision, be content with it, and move forward.
Familiarity. It’s easy to romanticize the part of my life where the longest I’ve lived anywhere in one stretch is 5 years. What isn’t seen when immigrating constantly is the perpetual feeling of being a foreigner. True, these experiences and challenges are the best way grow your horizon so the unfamiliar becomes familiar, but after 31 years, I find myself gravitating towards spaces where I can “set it and forget it” - to function fully, I need moments to do a load shedding of the mind’s power grid.
It’s really not that deep. Sometimes, taking things at face value gives you the space to understand a situation better in its time. Sometimes, taking a yoga class in Bali instructed by a nice Australian woman and then getting açaí protein bowls before spending the afternoon swimming in the sun is really just what it is. Enjoy it.
Signing off at sunrise in the beach where I’ll probably cry again, but these are grateful tears x
Upcoming Events:
May 31st: Brown Girls Food Club x Soho House ATX Ingrained Supper Club. We sold out within ten minutes, but join the waitlist in case spots open up. Newsletter subscribers for BGFC get first dibs!
June 4th: Brown Girls Food Club is collaborating with Nusantara Converstaions and The Black Sampan to present “Atap Assembly: Women of the Nusantara.” In Singapore. Sold out but details here!
June 4th: Brown Girls Food Club picnic in Chicago. Tickets here!
A few more popping up in June as we finalize details - subscribers get priority sign up :)
Upcoming Travels:
The remainder of June I’m in Malaysia, Singapore, Dallas, NYC, Austin and Oslo. Hope to see y’all at events in some of these cities!
If you want to travel with me, I’m hosting a trip to Morocco in September. We have a few spots left. Yalla, come join <3
Ayesha xo
Thank you Ayesha for keeping us informed about your travels and also sharing such personal thoughts.